Archive for October, 2011

The Return of The Airhead Era

Posted: October 28, 2011 in T.V.

When I first heard that MTV was bringing back Beavis and Butt-head, I was happier than a kid if they had a Birthday on Christmas and their parents were rich enough to separate all gifts for both and not do the “this is both your Christmas ANNNND Birthday gift.” This show was awesome because of the fact that they had the two guys who were into metal/had rock and ripping on videos in such a tha tthey came across as amazingly sarcastic and just so DUMB! The only problem was they might have created a movement that no one probably saw coming: The transfer  of Airhead from Television to Reality. Since Survivor first came out, it seems that everyone is trying to somehow get on to a tv show (Yes, I’m going to start with Survivor as the birth of main-stream Reality Televison because The Real World wasn’t global enough to have the same impact that Survivor did. And if you don’t believe me, why is Jeff Probst still winning Emmys long after the show is a household staple that it once was?). And with all the social media that exists, it’s very easy to put yourself out there and think that you can be famous. There’s reality shows that ask if you can compete in singing, dancing, wrestling, and even go so far as to display your addiction to porn (Wait, you mean to tell me that BECAUSE I’m unemployed, live with my grandma, I’m socially awkward and watch WAY too much porn you want to film my life and label me an addict…and you want to PAY ME???? Where’s my pen??? How soon can you get here?).

This has gone so far that the creation of bad television seems to be the new thing; the more trashy that it can be, the higher the ratings and nobody really cares about the content because they just want eyeballs. We needed a voice of reason. That voice has come by way of two clueless teenagers who still have more of a clue than the cast (and possibly producers) of 16 and Pregnant….and know it because in the trailer that was released, the guys took shots at 16 and Pregnant, Jersey Shore, and Twilight. So when the long-awaited re-launch of the series started last night, I was hooked.

The show starts with the guys watching Twilight in the theatre, the movie being over-acted to feel dramatic, and then Butt-head attempting to get popcorn off a girl by using the same line as what was used in the movie. After mulling over why they can’t score with chicks (MAN, how I missed that line!) they hear that vampires and werewolves in the Victorian Era were seen as romantic creatures as an anti-hero (Much like the episode, I just educated you and you didn’t really know it. Sorry for giving you some education) and learn that by getting bitten, they will be transformed.  This promptly leads to the “if we get bitten by a werewolf, we’ll become one and we’ll score with chicks” mentality (See? I wasn’t kidding when I said I missed the line “score with chicks”. It’ll be back in my vocabulary; just in time for a wedding that I’ll be attending!). The guys end up finding a homeless guy and convince him to bite them…eventually contracting every diseases known to humans (After having worked with homeless people, yes, this is actually how some of them look). All along, the structure of the show is still the same  by cutting back to them critiquing shows and videos from their sofa (Awesome that they didn’t ruin that!). The show took a section from Season 4 of Jersey Shore where J-Woww says that she’d tell her grandchildren “I learned to make pizza in Italy, b***h!”; Butt-head then promptly asked “Did she just call her grandchildren ‘b***h’?” and followed it up with “Grandma J-Woww, can you tell us the story of how you got syphilis?” (Admit it, you just started laughing and you probably didn’t catch either episode). But the best line came in the second half of the show were the guys were eating chili dogs and watching The Bachelor. Beavis found an onion (or as he put it, “a vegetable or something”) in his dog, sniffed it, and started crying at the time that the girl got voted off. From there,  Butt-head made fun of him for crying and said the best line “You’re moved”. Combining the line and the delivery forced me to hit pause and laugh for the next five minutes. While the show does poke fun at what idiots they are, it pokes more fun at what idiots are out there and how we’re watching them more to be entertained. In all, you should be catching this show on MTV because it will actually enlighten you in all the garbage that is out there on tv (Amazingly enough, a LOT of programming is from the MTV network. What does that really say about them??) through the eyes of two well crafted characters are something society really needs.


All for one!….campy movie.

Posted: October 25, 2011 in Movies

The Three Musketeers made their return this past weekend: Athos, Porthos, and Aramis with the help of a young wannabe Musketeer D’Artagnan took on the Duke of Buckingham and Cardinal Richelieu and his master henchman Rochefort with Milady de Winter playing every side possible. What I did there is I just summed up the ENTIRE MOVIE in one line. That’s never a good sign. I was actually really looking forward to this movie because the last time the Three Musketeers was made, we had to endure a Musketeer group that consisted of Oliver Platt, Charlie Sheen, and Kiefer Sutherland with Chris O’Donnell and the young up-and-comer. At the time, this seemed like a star-studded cast and they also had Tim Curry as Cardinal Richelieu, who up until that point was an amazing choice because he was riding high after his role as the evil Mr. Hector, hotel manager in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. The only thing that really came close to saving the movie in 1993 was the fact that Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting all came together for one song that was much bigger than it should have been:

 This music video alone should make you realize why the franchise took almost 20 years off before coming out with another Three Musketeers; yes, there was The Man in the Iron Mask (even Leonardo DiCaprio couldn’t save that movie) and The Musketeer (the worst one yet) but nothing of quality between 1993 and now to save a franchise that has all kinds of potential to being really good. In fact, I’d argue that the only good piece of work that the Three Musketeers had their name attached to in the past 18 years was this.

This movies starts (I repeat, STARTS) with an inept guard getting killed by what appears to be a scuba-ninja which is actually Athos (really??? 17th Centruy France has scuba masks without any sort of air supply?). After Athos takes care of a dozen guys, Aramis is seen on top of an 18 storey building, reciting the Lord’s Prayer, and then jumps onto a boat from up there but he and all occupants are okay. Why? The boat has a canopy made of cloth (OH! I always forget how sturdy cotton was back-in-the-day! Not like today’s dry-fit…). Again, he takes out the 4 guards and gets a key. Lastly, we’re introduced to Porthos who’s the brute of the group. He’s locked up in a dungeon with chains bolted to the walls attached to each wrist. IMPOSSIBLE to get out of, right? Not if you’re Superman!…or Porthos! He’s able to rip the chains out of the walls, still attached to some brick, and then take out the room full of guards. This is all within the first 5 minutes of the movie. And it’s in 3D! (Quick side question: How much do you trust that those 3D glasses are clean? I was thinking about this when I saw the movie because the glasses get recycled afterwards. Do I really trust that they’re new because they’ve been given to me in a thin plastic bag? I was asking the same questions when I was given a snorkel down south).

Okay, so there’s lots of action and over acting (“Trust no one. Especially women. You’ll live longer.”) but it wasn’t until the blueprints for a Leonardo da Vinci flying machine and turned it into the “war machine” that I started to distance myself from what could just be a really good action movie into a movie that is just making fun of the franchise.

The movie tries to keep the storyline of the Three Musketeers the same (D’Artagnan makes enemies with Rochefort, befriends the Three Musketeers, takes on the Duke of Buckingham with the Cardinal Richelieu, etc, etc) but there’s just too many campy movie bits that keep popping up to ruin the movie (D’Artagnan’s first encounter with Aramis is because Aramis is giving him a City Citation for not picking up after his horse?????…That cannonball cannot go through the ship’s hull??? So, you’re telling me that aside from flying ships in the 17th Century, they also have cannonball-resistant pressure-treated wood???). While it’s great to see the guys getting stabbed with swords because they do the thing you used do in drama class (the sword goes under the armpit to make it look like it penetrated right through you…which adds another element of cheese to this movie) you’re still left with a sub-par Three Musketeers film. There was a GREAT opportunity here to make this franchise something awesome (almost Braveheart-like) but fell WAY short. I’m all for not seeing another one of these movies for another 20 years if it’s going to be this bad. Oh, and one last thing: I know it’s taking place in France, so please STOP CASTING MUSKETEERS WITH BRITISH ACCENTS AND TELLING THEM THEY HAVE TO “SPEAK FRENCH” WHICH IS STILL ENGLIGH!

Welcome to the dark side….

Posted: October 23, 2011 in Sports

So, lucky me, I got to get up at 5 Sunday morning to get ready for work. I poured myself a cup of coffee and turned on the tv to (what I thought was going to be SportsCentre  and it turned out to be) the Rugby World Cup Final between France and the host New Zealand All Blacks (which has a fan base about as nuts as their Pacific Ocean neighbours, the Oakland Raiders). I’ve never caught a full Rugby match, let alone a championship match but I was intrigued enough to stick around and get to work somewhat late ( First sign an impact was made on me: I just said “match” instead of “game”). In my defense, it’s not like I didn’t try to watch any of the Rugby World Cup before this, it’s just that I was cheering on Canada (NOTE: Being Canadian, I will cheer on Canada in competitive anything. Water Polo, Gymnastics, Chess, D&D, tacky furniture, whatever as long as a Canadian needs some support). So, when I was watching my first rugby match, I thought it was awesome to see a throw in from the sidelines that was a 30-yard bomb (apparently, illegal but hilarious to watch!), I thought that fact that Canada has another Ryan Smith representing Canada is now a National Brand like Tim Horton’s (EVERY Team Canada MUST have at least ONE Ryan Smith on board! Get on this, Harper Government!), and the beard of Adam Kleeberger caught headlines and an appearance on The Rick Mercer Report (which, in Canada ,is a lot like saying you get to meet “A-minus celebrity X”; kinda-sorta-big-deal-for-some-but-other-just-don’t-care…but you’ll be on tv!). So, my knowledge of rugby is little as outlined by the following:

What I know…

New Zealand’s All Blacks – They’re professional, they’ve inspired two movies (Invictus and an ESPN 30 for 30 Documentary) within a year of each other (but both are about how they lost to South Africa), and they have the greatest entrance outside of anything the WWE has produce.

France’s National Rugby Team – They have rugby in France? Really? No, seriously??? AND they’re GOOD?????!!!!

So, when I turned it on, I was not only surprised that it was only 8-7 (mostly because I have NO idea how the scoring works and I still am surprised that France would be this competitive) but it was also the action. There was a pile on for the ball and a France player attempted to “kick” the ball when he saw it was loose. By “kick”, I mean “stomp the closest opposing player with as much force as possible in hopes that his spikes stick in the guy’s thigh” (Chris Simon! I think I’ve found a new sport for you!). After watching France’s Dimitri Szarzewski try to run through a defender with a hit to the head that Brendan Shanahan would’ve given a 35-game suspension and seeing All Blacks Captain Richie McCaw bleeding from the ear (SERIOUSLY! BLOOD IN AND AROUND THE EAR!!! THAT’S NOT HEALTHY!!!), I was willing to concede that this is one tough sport….bat-s*** crazy, but tough. All of this happened in about 10 minutes of watching and before I knew it, the match was over. The All Blacks won, the ceremony for the Web Ellis Cup was awesome, and I was late for work.

Seeing how I was late for work, here’s a list of my top 5 trophies in sport!

5 – Web Ellis Cup – Just saw it and thought it was great. Little small for a trophy and I’m not a fan of a gold trophy but is classy looking.

4 – Grey Cup – The oldest trophy is “professional” sports. Notice how I put professional in quotation? That’s because even with all its history it’s awarded to the top CFL team.

3 – Vince Lombardi Trophy – Great trophy but could easily be 4 feet tall and AWESOME!

2 – Larry O’Brien Trophy – Very nice looking, good size but the netting looks kind of cheesy.

1 – The Stanley Cup – Okay, biased as a Canadian, yes. BUT! There’s EVERYTHING here! History as your name gets etched onto the side with those who has won before you, a massive trophy, silver so it’s not too flashy, just absolutely amazing in every way shape and form!

NOTE: The World Series Trophy did not make the list just because of the fact that the name affixed to it is HORRIBLE (The Commissioner’s Trophy????) AND every time I see it, I feel like they should be sending the MVP to Six Flags (Never a good sign). Also, the World Cup trophy did not get into the top 5 because, while it’s made of gold, looks like it should be jumping out of Kane’s stomach.

As for Rugby as a sport, I’ll have to give it another try when I’m not late for work….

Aht a laus fuh wurds…

Posted: October 20, 2011 in Sports

Unreal! I get to watch BACK-TO-BACK Leafs games! For those of you who don’t understand, this means a lot to me simply because of the fact that I’m usually working so much, I’m lucky to catch two Leafs games a YEAR let alone back to back! David Krejic is back in the Boston Bruins lineup which scares me (he’s more talented than a lot of people are willing to give credit for), the Leafs called up prospect Nazim Kadri after Colby Armstrong went down with a lower body injury (leaving the game on crutches??? I’m pretty sure it’s a leg injury…but I’m not a doctor). And the Leafs have given “Optimus Reim” the night off and put in Jonas “The (Loch Ness) Monster” Gustavsson to go against the reigning Cup Camps (I call him that because there are lots of ‘photos’ and ‘sightings’ and ‘blurry video evidence of his existence from overseas that he exists’ but I’m still not a believer in his existence).

Clock is BARELY warm when Colton Orr and Shawn Thorton fight! Good tilt; it’s a draw. (Wait, there’s a ring bell sound effect??? Really? Wow.)

GOAL!!! David Steckel (“The Lankinator”, as I’ve received from a text. Can we make this awful name catch on?) coming in and getting a nice feed in the slot. 1-0 Leafs! Still their best off-season acquisition!

Leafs on the PK now after the hero from last night, Matt Frattin, took a penalty (Can I play Russian Roulette instead??? I’ve got better odds than watching them kill this penalty…)

Nathan Horton scores on the Power Play and ties it up at 1-1 (See what I mean about Russian Roulette? Quick bit on Horton: This time last year, I got him in the 5th round of Fantasy. Now, much sooner because of the team. He was always my sleeper pick for Fantasy…)

Nazim Kadri draws a penalty and they Leafs are back on the Power Play. (I have a feeling this could be ‘one of those nights’; power play will be 7-6 for chances between the clubs…)

(It’s not good that every break that Boston gets you’re fearing that the Nessie won’t make the save…)

Boston back on the Power Play as Lupul takes a tripping penalty (2-2 now for both clubs for those keeping score at home…)

Chara scores on a blast from down low after a SICK passing play, 2-1 Boston. (WHY DID NESSIE SCRUNCH UP LIKE THAT??? He tightened up instead of getting big!)

Chris Kelley scores and now it’s 3-1. (Ugh…Nessie gave up, D gave up, I’m about to give up with 40-plus minutes left)

End of the first. (Where’s a tourniquet when you need one????)

Boston is doing a really good job cycling the puck and get another power play. (F***!!!! F***!!! F***!!! LANKINATOR!!! WHAT THE F***??? Power plays are now 3-2…..)

Play got broken up with 22 seconds to go in the Boston power play; good puck control by Boston in the Toronto end.

Boston penalty to Chara. (Penalties are now 3-3…ummm, I was only slightly joking earlier but…)

SICK MOVE by Brad Marchand! Almost had a short-handed goal for Boston there. (WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED??? MARCHAND??? REALLY??????)

Mikhail Grabovski just got called for holding the stick. (ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? THEY STILL CALL THAT???? 4-3 Penalty calls)

Grabo barely had the door closed and Boston got called for another one. (Okay, this is getting a little nutty. 4-4 and we’re not even halfway through the second…you CAN put your whistle away for more than 6 minutes, ref

HIT THE POST!!! LEAFS HIT THE POST!!! Chara’s penalty expired. (and he had about half the rink worth of space so, naturally, someone caught up to him and stripped him.)

All penalties have been killed off. (…for now. Give it 6 minutes…)

Steckel tried a no-look-behind-the-back-pass from his knees. (…take THAT, Jason Spezza! King of the No-Look-to-the-Wrong-Team-Pass!)

Leafs hit iron AGAIN! (If this was the outdoor rink match, Leafs would be up 2-1 in “posts”….)

Nazim Kadri gets called for a penalty for an  illegal hit to the head. (…penalties are now 5-3 for the Bruins (fighting majors aside)…I just got called for “unsportsmanlike conduct” for pointing out that there’s been so many penalty calls. I’ve got to sit out the next two minutes.)

Kadri penalty successfully killed; Gustavsson able to control the rebound off a Chara blast.  (NESSIE WITH A SAVE??? STOP!!!….wait, I’m sorry. I just had a Joe Corvo sighting! Even more rare than a Nessie sighting!…just ask any Ottawa Senators fan)

Joe Corvo just got called for tripping, Leafs on the Power Play. (God, I hope they score here! They may only have another dozen-or-so chances before the game is up to try to tie this! Penalties now 5-4 Boston….)

Leafs can’t keep it in the Boston zone, penalty is almost done. (DO SOMETHING!!! DON’T WASTE THIS OPPORTUNITY BECAUSE THE NEXT ONE WILL BE 4 MINUTES AWAY!!!)

Tim Thomas with a HUGE save on Steckel out front. (F******* THOMAS!!!! AFTER ALL THE KID DID TO CIRCLE WITH THE PUCK TO GET IT OUT FRONT!!!)

End of the second period – 3-1 Boston. (…and 5-4 in the Power Play opportunities! C’mon, 7-6 final!)

Third period is underway. (Phil Kessel is playing??? I hadn’t noticed….oh, wait. It’s in Boston where he never really produces. My bad…)

Lucic scores; 4-1 Boston. (F***!!!!!!!!!! Nessie caught WAY out, D never picked up the trailer…LIKE YOU LEARN IN TYKE!!!!)

Delayed penalty to Toronto against the Leafs; Mike Brown for tripping. (WHAT???? A penalty call??? Noooooo……6-4 for Boston)

Loose puck in front and Toronto can’t capitalize. (F***!!!! F***!!!! F***!!!!)

Patrice Bergeron scores and it’s now 5-1 for Boston. (Ugh…I give up. That goal just reminded me of this…..Nessie, go back into hiding…)

Tyler Seguin scores to make it 6-1. (WHY??? WHY????? WHY?????)

Grabovski with a goal! 6-2. (WE’RE BACK IN TH-oh, who am I kidding? This is like watching Cam Newton playing….”okay boys, the game is out of reach. Now let’s try to pad out stats!”)

(Man, it even sounds like Gord Miller has checked out…no excitement in the back and forth…)

Next 4 games for Toronto: at Montreal (Saturday Night Shootout loss???), at Philadelphia (ugh), at New York Rangers (maybe???), home to Pittsburgh (so…what you’re saying is that they’re going to get MAYBE 3 points out of a possible 8? AWESOME! I BE-LEAF!!!)

Boston wins 6-2 is the final (and they win the penalty calls 6-4! Damn it all…)

Forget work. Hockey is on!

Posted: October 20, 2011 in Sports

In an attempt to get out of work, I pulled the ultimate excuse: “the Leafs are playing Winnipeg. I have to watch history being made”. While my boss wasn’t too pleased by this, I ended up leaving work a little early to catch the game…or so I thought. I’d like to personally thank the guy in line at the grocery store who decided to argue over the validity of a 50% off sticker on cauliflower.  As well, I’d like to thank the 55+ year-old cashier working nights who felt that the personal conversation with the 60+ cashier working nights next to her is far more important than trying to scan through my three items (It should NEVER take a minute to scan milk! I know this because there are self scans available….just not at this store….of course).

When I got home and unloaded my groceries, I turned on my tv and saw this screen shot of Jay Onrait. I thought he was having a meltdown on air until I realized he was just caught in a frozen screen. When I put the game on, I saw there was 10:35 remaining in the first:

Awesome! I didn’t miss too much. 0-0! GO LEAFS GO!” I then put the pizza in the oven and heard Chris Cuthbert say “SCORES! ENSTROM through a SCREEN and Winnipeg is up 1-0!” (YOU GOTTA BE F****** KIDDING ME!!!! I JUST TURNED ON THE F******* GAME!!!!)  After the brief Onrait-face-esque breakdown, this quickly lead me to think “Who are Canada’s best play-by-play hockey guys?” Here’s my list:

1) Jim Hughson – Yeah, being a Leafs fan you’d think I’d go with Bob Cole. He’s a legend but at the same time, when something exciting happens and Jim’s pumped, you think he’s about to rip a phone book in half (Jim, if you CAN do this, please let me know because then you’d be untouchable in the #1 spot)

2) Joe Bowen – You wanted the homer pick, here it is. Joe’s awesome line (HO-LEE-MACKINAW!!!) is legendary and he seems like such a nice all-round guy. Like he’d be the guy at the bar that’d get super excited and the life of the party. He could tell me stories for hours and I’d be okay with that.

3) Gord Miller – Awesome voice and tries his best to make his support sound as good as possible. Remember, it’s probably not that easy ignoring Pierre McGuire for all those years and trying to pick out the one piece of information he may say that you can spin into something.

4) Dean Brown – Most underrated talent out there. I’ve heard him call a TONNE of Senators games (BOO!) but I will say that he remained as unbiased as possible and had no problem calling out his partner for B-S. Really think he could be the next big thing; as in, give him the CBC’s H.N.I.C. game on the National Broadcast.

Yes, I’m only going to leave my list at 4 for now and leave the 5th spot open. It’s like when you have My5 with Rogers; you leave that extra spot open as a ‘just in case someone pops up and I need to make a last-minute addition so I don’t get dinged on my plan’…but for announcers.

SCORES!!! Joffrey Lupul! Breaks the camera! Nice passing play, Pavelec didn’t have a chance. They’re back in this one baby.

Intermission brings us: THE QUIZ – Canada’s Game show only because Bumper Stumpers is dead. BRING BACK BUMPER STUMPERS!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ferraro told Lupul that he’s getting an invoice for the broken camera case! Does he write his own material?

No!!!! GOAL for Winnipeg! Replay shows a head in the way of the puck! Winnipeg up 2-1. Staying on-side is the most useful thing Nik Antropov has done in 6 years.

Mike Komisarek takes a penalty after the goal. Smart. Why try to build momentum after the other team scores when you can absolutely CRUSH your team’s hopes?

Leafs are in Boston tomorrow night; how many promos will be shown with the “Seguin! What the Leafs COULD HAVE had!!!” angle? I think Vegas would set the over/under at 25.5. I’m taking the over.

Komisarek BACK in the penalty box! Who ever said he doesn’t earn his keep is….well….ummm….Commercial Break!

Easy tap-in goal for Mark Sheifele on the Power Play. Okay, Winnipeg is now up 3-1. Coach, is this enough to bench Komisarek for the rest of the period? The game? (Insert Chuck Testa’s “Nope” here)

9:30 left in the second and the boos are starting. Never a good sign…

Okay. Leafs are on the Power Play with 6:30 left in the second. Or as Ferraro puts it: “A crucial point in the game.” Thanks Ray! Didn’t notice that!

Damn. Intermission and no other scoring. One period to go.

Darren Dreger reports that the Legion of Doom line to reunite for the Winter Classic! Lindros, Leclair, Renberg! Not a Flyers fan but still had this reaction.

4 minutes into the third and the only thing worse than the Leafs performance (or lack thereof) is the fact that I’m starting to regret eating that Delissio Pizza. Oh, 3-meat pizza. Why do you hurt me after I’ve been so good to you…?


GOAL!!!! JOFFREY LUPUL SCORES!!! 3-2!!! Looking for a pass across, hit a stick in front and goes in!!!!

Leafs getting ANOTHER power play! This, ladies and gentlemen, is what they refer to as a ‘momentum change’.

GOAL!!!!! TIED GAME!!!!! UN-BELIEVE-ABLE!!!!! It seems like Pavelec’s issue is guys on his blocker side close to the goal line. Let’s see who else can pick up on this.

Phil Kessel has 7 goals so far this year. With how he paces himself, he’ll finish the year with 32! (Yes, that averages out to .3 goals a game. But he’s a goal scorer; all goal scorers are streaky!)

Advice from Ferraro – “It just has to be a firm play”.


Steckel is OWNING the faceoff dot tonight! AWESOME pick up this off-season. The second coming of Yanic Perreault!

Leafs PEPPERING Pavelec and nothing! I feel a shootout coming on….and possibly the purchase of a new universal remote. I can neither confirm nor deny that this remote is or is not working after being tossed across the room.

Reimer is 1-3 in shootouts and Pavelec is 3-9. Even odds. Damn it. I need at least an edge. ANYTHING!

Matt Frattin (the entire ACC just asked “WHO?????“) scores the shootout winner and the Leafs welcome back the Jets with a loss in Toronto! Welcome back, Winnipeg!

Fans of the show “The Walking Dead” were worried around November last year because there were rumblings that the show was going to be cancelled after one season even though it was bringing in good ratings. But cooler heads prevailed and last night was the premier of Season 2 of the much-anticipated show that lasted 90 minutes… which was probably 30 minutes longer than it needed to be.

After running a marathon all afternoon to lead up to the season premier and then running the season premier at 9 and 1030 pm (EST), you could have very well been all zombied out. And even before the new show started they still did a recap of the key events from Season 1 ( WOW! Talk about being redundantly redundant). Now, the next bit is going to be discussion about the episode. If you missed it and want to stop reading, feel free to leave….that enough time?….No?…Well, clearly you haven’t left because you’re still reading this so let’s dissect this like a Zombie’s guts when looking for the remains of a child (again, inside joke but if you watched, you know what I mean).

The season started off about as fast as a zombie walk with Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) on top of a roof speaking into a walkie-talkie updating Morgan of their progress. This was awesome for the fact that the following exchange was made with my friends:

Kyle: “Umm….he’s on a roof, yeah. But, that radio may only have a range of 2 miles. And he’s downtown.”
Ryan: “Yeah, and Morgan lives in the suburbs. Your point?”
Kyle: “Unless he’s hooked up to an antenna with a GIANT frequency, he won’t be heard.”
Ryan: “It’s a zombie apocalypse. Never question what can happen in a zombie apocalypse.”

(I love it when Hollywood never thinks things through. Don’t worry, this will happen again in a bit.)

The crew (or what’s left of them) leaving Atlanta for Texas and running into a road block along the highway. Along the way, their Winnebago breaks down in front of a pile up of cars that were tossed around leading to another exchange with my friends:

Kyle: “How are those cars flipped onto their roofs?”
Ryan: “What did I just say? NEVER question what happens in a zombie apocalypse.”

While the group is scavenging through the wreckage, zombies come up and start walking through. The young girl is then flushed out and chased into the woods, eventually getting lost and this leads to a child-hunt. While most of the people are concerned for the child, Shane (Jon Bernthal) is concerned about getting out and breaking away from the group in a dusty yet fully functioning Hyundai, sparking yet another debate with everyone watching:

Kyle: “Why the *bleep* is he going for that?”
Ryan: “I know! There’s a pickup right behind him! GO FOR THE CHEVY!”
Me: “Product placement. It’s got to be product placement.”
Kyle: “It’s stupid, is what it is…”
Me: “The car is only a little dusty. No damage to the body. HAS to be product placement.”
Ryan: “What a dummy. Why is he going for that? Hyundai suck.”
(Cut to commercial break…for Hyundai. Chris = 1)

Next thing I knew, the show was already 78 minutes in and it felt like nothing was really accomplished. I was ready to walk away feeling dead inside, when they ended the show with such an AMAZING hook that I will HAVE TO tune in for next week. If you’ve read this much, you probably know what happened but on the off-chance that you don’t know, I don’t want to spoil it.

Either way, this episode seemed to be a solid 75 minutes of nothing really interesting, 8 minutes of commercials and 7 minutes of what I call ” ‘OH, S**T!!!!’  Television” (where you want to say “OH, S**T!!!” out loud because something awesome/mind-blowing just happened). Either way, I hope that the rest of the season doesn’t play out this way because I want to be captivated for all 50 minutes and not be dragged along until the bitter end.